How To be More Confident
If you haven’t read the previous post on how to build confidence, I will recommend you do that before reading this post.
In this post, we will delve into practical tips to enhance your self-confidence.
- Achieve Small Goals
- Learning By Observing
- Change Your Postures
- Self Affirmation and Auto-Suggestion
- Just Keep Trying
As we have discussed confidence often stems from having control, knowing what will happen, and how to address it. While adopting the correct mindsets is crucial, you still need evidence to support your beliefs. If you believe in your abilities to grow, but you don’t see any results for 10 years, how do you continue to convince yourself? Your beliefs will likely to fall apart and you will feel miserable. On your journey to build self-confidence, there is a way to quickly boost your confidence and solidify your beliefs, which is achieving small goals.
1. Achieve Small Goals
Small achievements are helpful and important on your journey, regardless of whether you are on your way to becoming the best musician or simply a more confident person. They are like every drop of water that keeps you alive in a desert until you find an oasis. You need validation for your actions to know that you are on the right track. That is very important, especially when you have been trying for a while without seeing any results. At those critical moments, you will doubt yourself, and one small achievement can get rid of all the negativity and hopelessness, allow you to reset, and continue your journey.,
When I was in high school, I was part of the school chess team. I knew that I was an average player and I always had that perception of myself. However, somehow I never stopped practicing and still believed that I could be an outstanding player one day. On the other hand, my friend who was on the same team, was the top student of the year, a smart kid, and also an exceptional chess player. I had never beaten him in chess during practice. That just crushed my confidence and made me accept the fact that he was just more talented than me.
It wasn’t until the time when we had a school tournament. Unexpectedly, I did exceptionally well and secured third place. My friend as anticipated, performed better than me and claimed second place. But that small achievement I got, completely changed me. It was like I unlocked the secrets of chess, I felt like I understood something, as if someone had flipped a switch within me. I realized that I was not average after all. The next day, I beat my friend during practice, with confidence.
Nothing has really changed, my skills did not drastically improve and it was unlikely to happen after just one day, it was something else. I realized that the gap between us might not be that huge, I always had a chance. When I was playing with my friend that day I did not feel intimidated at all. My mind was clearer, my thought process was more logical. That small achievement just validated my belief that I too, could be great.
This phenomenon is common. It happens in athletes, basketball players, badminton players, musicians, and even in our daily lives. An achievement serves as validation, affirming that you are progressing in the right direction and reinforcing your beliefs.
What you can do is set some small achievable goals that contribute to your main goals. For example, if you want to be more confident in public speaking. Then your small goals can be writing a short speech every day to improve your skills, and then practice speaking in front of a mirror. Through achieving those small goals, you will be more confident. Because if it has worked in the past, you know it will work again, and you will ultimately get to where you want. You don’t have to do something challenging right from the start, just do something achievable and once you achieve those, you will be more confident to move on to the next goal. Remember, confidence is built gradually, it is a process, but an event, small goals help you do that.
2. Learning By Observing
Mimic neurons, also known as mirror neurons were discovered in 1992 by cand colleagues while working on macaques. They found that these neurons fired when the macaques performed an action, and also when they were observed the same action being performed by someone else. These neurons are believed to contribute to observational learning, which means, we can learn from simply watching.
The concept is not new and is experienced daily in our lives. For example, when you watch someone demonstrate a task, you often feel as though you can replicate it yourself. When you watch a tutorial video on YouTube, you are learning by observing. How do you make a dragon origami, how did they make the wing, did they turn the paper this way and fold it that way? When I played basketball in high school, my coach also brought us to watch the elite players play, hoping that we could learn something from the games. It’s a phenomenon that occurs in our daily lives, which is why you might not have given much thought to it. It is one of the primary ways we acquire new skills and behaviors.
Mirror neurons respond not only to actions, but also emotions and sensations, which means you you can learn to be confident by just observing a confident person. In my opinion, it seems like there are two approaches to this. One is consciously analyzing their behavior, such as how they talk, or move their body, and actively try to emulate them.
The other approach is more passive, which is letting them gradually become part of you. When you hang out with a person a lot or watch a certain YouTuber’s videos a lot, you can feel that you are slowly becoming more like them. I found that after watching a lot of Alex Hormozi’s YouTube videos, I became more like him. The way I converse, my thought process, and also my confidence level went up. Just watching him educate others, speaking with confidence just somehow gave me some confidence. The only way I can explain it is like I went into his body, felt his emotions, and the confidence he had, learned them, and went back to my body.
Mimic neurons may not be the sole reason for this phenomenon but the point is, you can literally become slightly more confident by just watching someone. Be with confident individuals more, and watch more videos of the person you want to be. Over time, their traits and confidence will naturally influence and integrate into your own identity.
3. Change Your Postures
Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist, delivered a TED talk about power posing. She stated that when animals or people feel powerful, they exhibit an open stance. However, the opposite happens when they feel powerless, they close up, and wrap themselves up. You have probably heard that when you force yourself to smile, you can trick your brain into feeling happier. Amy Cuddy believes that our minds change our bodies, but it goes both ways, which means our bodies can also influence our minds and our feelings. When you pretend to be powerful by having the same stance, it makes you feel more powerful. She tested the hypothesis by experimenting on some volunteers, and the same phenomenon was able to be replicated by many other researchers.
When your elders or your mentor ask you to walk with your head up, open your chest, and be confident, it is not merely to deceive others. People often say, fake it till you make it, though it may be ethical in some situations, it is a way to help you progress towards your goal, including boosting your confidence.
So next time when you feel insecure or unconfident, pay attention to your body posture. If you realize you are closing up, adopt some power poses, and an open stance, and you may feel a little more powerful, and a little more confident.
4. Self-affirmation and Autosuggestion
In movies, we often see protagonists say “I can do this” when they are about to do something they are not confident of. Stating positive statements is a common practice to cultivate a desirable mindset. While both self-affirmation and auto-suggestion fall into the same category, there is a subtle distinction between them.
In practical terms, differentiating between self-affirmation and auto-suggestion isn’t necessary. The key is to repeat positive affirmations regularly. For instance, stand before a mirror and affirm to yourself, “I am a confident person” or “I excel at _____,” and observe the impact it has on you.
Self-affirmation centers on one’s core values, strengths, and identity, truths that hold firm. For instance, affirmations like “I have overcome obstacles in the past and I can overcome any future challenges”. The other example is If you identify yourself as a learner when it is supported by your past actions, saying “I am a learner and I learn” during challenging moments is an act of self-affirmation.
On the other hand, auto-suggestion involves repetitively reciting positive statements or affirmations with the intention of influencing subconscious beliefs. For example, if you want to be a millionaire, you repeat to yourself “I am a millionaire”, and you do what a millionaire will do or do what can make you become a millionaire. In the book “Think and Grow Rich” by Napolean Hill, the author explains the concept. He states that your mind feeds on the instructions you consciously give, whether it’s belief or conviction, and steers you in that direction.
Another example will be if you want to be a more compassionate person, you say to yourself “I am compassionate and caring.”, when opportunities arise to demonstrate compassion, the mind, having internalized the affirmation, may prompt “ I am a compassionate person, and this is what a compassionate person does.”
In practical terms, there’s no need to distinguish between self-affirmation and auto-suggestion. The key is to repeat positive affirmations regularly. An exercise you can do is to stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself “I am a confident person.”, or “ I am good at ________.”, and see how it changes you.
5. Finally, Just Keep Trying
Well, the last one isn’t a tip, you just have to keep trying. If you are doing everything we discussed and still don’t feel the confidence you want, just keep trying. Remember we said that you need proof and evidence to validate your confidence, you cannot simply build confidence out of thin air. You need time to gather that evidence and eventually prove to yourself that you are actually who you are and not just who you think you will become. If you want to be more confident in public speaking, it is a process, by using these tips or by adopting the mindset we talked about in the previous post can definitely boost your confidence a little, but they cannot just simply raise your confidence level to the max.
Apart from that, there will still be times when you will doubt yourself or feel intimidated, unconfident, and want to back up, regardless of what stage you are in. Using the same example we had in the previous post. If you are going up against a professional tennis player as a beginner, there is no way that you will be able to feel confident at that moment. So when that feeling of incompetence creeks up, just acknowledge it, don’t be anxious about it, and don’t blame yourself. Learn to be kind to yourself, and I wish you the best.
Hopefully, by adopting the mindsets we illustrated and using these tips you can build your confidence gradually. If you are looking for books to read in the hope to build your confidence, I recommend “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.” by Mark Manson. The book is not about building confidence per se, but it will give you a different perspective on your life and the world. However, I want to warn you that some of the concepts mentioned in the book are straightforward and can be discouraging. Instead of being encouraging, or positive, it gives you a whack on the head and asks you to wake up. But I believe what is taught in the book can help you become stronger and more confident about yourself.
If you haven’t read “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill yet, I would also recommend you to get one if your goal is to become financially free, start a business, or simply become rich. It is one of the must-read books and one of the books that is recommended by pretty much all successful entrepreneurs.
“Unleash your potentials and achieve financial freedom”
Pingback: Low self-esteem: How To Be More Confident