How to Be More confident
Confidence is vital for success in every facet of life, whether it’s relationships, career, or pursuing your passions. Research has shown that Individuals who reported low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy were more likely to have mental disorders and social problems such as depression and suicidal thoughts. Studies also suggest that self-confidence can directly, or indirectly impact performance by enhancing motivation and commitment. Although the results from studies are not always consistent, I believe having self-confidence can boost performance, speaking from personal experience.
If you have low self-esteem, you have probably experienced what a lack of confidence feels like. It is a dreadful feeling, you feel inadequate, worthless, apologetic, and easily intimidated. It hinders you from expressing yourself, pursuing your passion, and embracing your true identity, and you feel like you will never be good enough.
I was not a confident person, partly due to being an introvert. I was afraid to speak in public, afraid to express my thoughts and say what I wanted. I always felt that I was not good enough and that I should avoid everything that made me stand out so I wouldn’t embarrass myself. I was afraid to talk to people initially when I came to Australia, I was scared that they would laugh at my accent and my limited English. I would often freeze up and stumble over incomprehensible words when engaged in conversation. It would then lead to a dead silence and at those moments, I wish the ground would swallow me up. Luckily, over the years I was able to learn and build confidence, which helped me in all aspects of my life.
There are different types of self-confidence. A general self-confidence is a belief in your abilities across various aspects of life. It reflects an overall sense of assurance and self-assuredness. Another one will be confidence in certain areas such as academic performance and athletic abilities. These are not distinct from each other, but related. Improving either one will have a positive effect on the other. If you feel more confident in a certain area, you will be a more confident person and when you become more self-assuring, you are likely to believe in your ability to perform better in a certain field.
Mindsets
The most vital change I made in the last few years was embracing the different mindsets. Having the correct mindset is essential for building and maintaining confidence. If your confidence is solely dependent on your achievements, it can be fleeting. imagine your confidence comes solely from your appearance, what happens when you get old? Evidence or achievements are needed to validate your confidence, but they are often not permanent. That is why having the correct mindset is important, especially when there is no external validation of your confidence.
So how exactly can you be confident, when there is no evidence to back you up? The first one will be, having a focused mindset.
1. Focused Mindset
Do you know a friend who appears indifferent to everything? I am not referring to the type of friend who lives in their own world and is oblivious to their surroundings. Rather, I am talking about the kind of friend who does not get wavered or faltered by other people or their surroundings. They just exude a confident aura, giving off the impression that they know exactly what they are doing. These individuals possess a focused mindset.
A person with a focused or priority mindset directs their attention towards what is important to them. They put their minds on their goals, tasks, or activities that are significant and impactful, and concentrate on what truly matters to them. When you have a focus, either a goal or a principle that you follow, you understand what you do and don’t care about, and that helps foster a confident identity.
Having a clear understanding of what matters gives you a sense of direction. With a focused mindset, you have a precise vision of your objectives and aspirations. Clarity in your goal instills confidence because sure of your path and purpose. In other words, your confidence comes not from your knowledge or anticipation of something, but from the certainty of your determination and commitment. You will say something like “I will work hard, I will give 100% to become the best pianist in the world’.
Another component of this mindset is when you focus on what is important, you disregard what is insignificant. One of the reasons why you have low self-esteem is probably because you care too much about everything. You care about what others say about you, how they think of you, what clothes you wear, how grades you get, or which university you go to. Caring about every trivial thing is detrimental. I fell into this trap too. I wanted to excel in every aspect of my life so I cared too much about everything. I was constantly thinking about what others were thinking about me, and I was always trying to present myself as the best and I felt worthless whenever I failed to do that. I often found myself spiraling into a state of self-deprecation and depression, which is stupid in hindsight. Nobody is good at everything and you definitely shouldn’t care about everything.
Look at the best athletes, the billionaires, and the most successful people in the world, Lebron James, Mark Cuban, or Elon Musk, are they good at everything? Or the people around you, your friends that went to Harvard, the most good-looking guy or girl in your school, are they perfect? No. Many of them are probably horrible in many other things, but why are they still so confident? Because they do not focus on everything. They focus on what is important and be good at it, the one thing that they are good at brings them confidence. The takeaway is that, when you focus on what is important, you disregard the trivial, and that brings you confidence.
A great book that discusses this is “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck” by Mark Manson. A book I believe everyone must read, especially in this technology-driven era. We become increasingly susceptible to feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy as we compare ourselves to the curated images and achievements on social media. This book provides insights into what we should focus on and how to live a happy life. It will help you build this mindset and self-confidence.
2. Growth Mindset
“Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” – Thomas Edison
Thomas Edison, one of the most famous inventors of all time, if you didn’t know, was not a genius. As a child, he struggled at school. His schoolmaster called him “addled”, and he quit formal schooling at 12. Apart from that, he experienced hearing loss at an early age, which further complicated his learning journey. Would you have expected a child who was disadvantaged in so many ways to be successful in the future? The success of Thomas Edison was not due to his intelligence or talents, it’s his insatiable curiosity, unwavering determination, hard work, perseverance, and belief that led to his success. On his remarkable journey towards inventing the electric light bulb, he failed numerous times, but he never stopped trying. When he was asked why he kept going despite repeated failures, and faced skepticism and criticism from those who did not believe in him, he did not say “I should just give up”, or “I am not smart enough”. All he said was “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” He did not view those obstacles and failures as setbacks but as a valuable learning opportunity, every failure made him closer to success. He believed in his ability to learn and grow.
What does having a growth mindset mean? It means that you believe that your abilities and intelligence can be developed and improved over time through dedication, hard work, and learning from mistakes. We have heard many stories about geniuses who grew up and became ordinary people, and we have also heard about individuals who were seemingly unremarkable in their youth but later achieved extraordinary success. IQ, talents, and intelligence are not everything, hard work is more important. One of the most distinct differences between humans and other organisms lies in our ability to learn. We can learn and we can grow, no matter what others tell us, no matter what is in our genes, we can change and become better. If you do not believe in that, you will not try and hence, you will stay the same. If you believe that can you change, you will.
“Miracles happen to those who believe in them.” – Bernard Berenson.
3. Learner Mindset
One of the most significant changes I made in recent years that I’m grateful for was embracing a learner mindset. As I have mentioned, I hoped that I could be good at everything, so I would only share something if it met my unrealistic expectations. I would only voice my opinions if I felt superior in the group, sing in front of others only if I was the best, and showcase my skills and knowledge only when I believed I was confident. Therefore I almost always refused others’ requests because I was never ready. I was afraid that every little mistake I made would invite ridicule. And every time that happened, I reminded myself how bad I was, and comparing myself with those who were better than me made it even worse. It became a vicious cycle, the more I avoided, the worse I got, and the worse I got, the less confident I became.
What most people do is that they know and accept the fact that they are not good enough but they just stop there. One reason was what we have discussed, they do not believe that they can change and be better and the other one is that they just don’t want to improve.
The learner mindset is built upon the growth mindset. The difference between a growth mindset and a learner mindset is that you do not only believe in your ability to improve, but you actively seek out opportunities to achieve that by. “I am a learner”, is essentially what a learner mindset is about. You treat yourself as a learner regardless of what stage you are in. Your confidence is not built on your achievements, but on understanding and knowing that you can, and you will actively explore opportunities for improvement . Surely you have heard people saying, “I don’t know how, but I can learn.” Whatever they are about to do, they have no experience or knowledge of it, but they eager to learn and they know that they can achieve what they want at the end.
A learner mindset is helpful even in a situation when you receive negative feedback and criticisms. You say “I am learning, and that’s ok, those feedbacks help me grow.” When you become a learner, you will understand that constructive feedback and criticisms are some of the best things you can receive from others. People who aim to please you or avoid conflict do not contribute to your improvement. Those who critically point out what you lack is what makes you better. Instead of letting those criticisms erode your confidence, you use them as a tool to realizing your aspirations.
Apart from that, a learner’s mindset steer you away from the common pitfalls, which is harboring an unrealistic expectations or trying to be someone you are not. Many people, myself have done this before. We hoped that we could achieve the nearly impossible and wished for miracles, or try to be who we are not. Imagine hoping you could beat a professional tennis player as a beginner, you are saying“ Please, please God, let me win”. It is not impossible, but that will be a miracle. Miracles mean chances, chances mean uncertainty and uncertainty is the enemy of confidence. True confidence requires certainty in some aspects, such as what is going to happen, what to do, and how to do it. Without this foundation of certainty, your confidence is just a delusion.
By having a learner mindset, you can objectively analyze your current state, and be honest with yourself. What stage am I at now? What can I achieve now? By understanding your capabilities you set your expectations right, and you do what is within your limits of competence. This grants you certainty and control. If not, you could still feel incompetent despite achieving great success.
What is Impostor Syndrome
The idea of impostor syndrome or impostor phenomenon was first introduced in the article “The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention.” by Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne Imes. Imposter syndrome refers to feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt, despite the evidence of competence or success, and fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Surprisingly, many people who are good at their games, experience impostor syndrome. Even with their remarkable accomplishments, they still doubt themselves. You can experience impostor syndrome on many levels regardless of your situation. It’s the feeling when you think it’s luck, or you don’t deserve it. That feeling when you feel like “Oh no, they are going to find out that I am not that great”, and I believe the main trigger to experiencing impostor syndrome is again expectations.
Expectations from yourself
When you set high expectations for yourself, you will never feel good enough. Unlike those arrogant and complacent individuals, who likely don’t experience impostor syndrome, you constantly raise the bar based on your achievements. You’ll perpetually critique yourself, never finding satisfaction. Ask yourself, when did you ever feel you have done a good job? Think about the times when you have hit all the goals you set, did you think you did a good job? Did you say, “I am proud of myself”? No, I bet you were like, yeah, that’s what I need to do.
Having high expectations is not entirely bad, because they motivate you and drive you towards a greater goal. However, you have to learn to acknowledge your achievements, when you fail to meet those challenging goals.
Expectations from others
Another factor contributing to impostor syndrome is the pressure to meet perceived or exaggerated expectations, often stemming from the assumed standards of others. For instance, as a young pianist prodigy, you may believe people expect flawless performance of the most challenging compositions from you, even at a very young age. However, these expectations might be self-imposed or exaggerated. You might have the fear that even a tiny mistake would reveal you as a fraud, even though others still regard you as exceptionally talented. It is your misconceived perception of others’ expectations that leads to self-doubt.
So how to overcome impostor syndrome? You might never get rid of it, but I believe having a learner’s mindset has helped to alleviate that feeling of being a fraud.
Use blogging as an example. When I was thinking about starting this blog, I did feel phony. I was like, “Who gives you the right to do that?”. “You think anyone going to listen to you?”, “You have achieved nothing now, not a profitable business, and have not made hundreds or thousands with stocks, why do you think you should be educating someone? “How is anything you say credible?” I have nothing to prove my credibility, so how am I still doing this?
I have a goal, the goal is to provide value through blogging and monetize this as a method to achieve financial freedom. While I may not be qualified, I believe that I do have something to offer, even if it’s modest. Furthermore, I am committed to improvement and learning. By dedicating to delivering accurate information to my audience, I facilitate my own growth. I learn continuously, alongside my audience through research, feedback, and constructive criticism. Additionally, I doing what is within my limits of competence, offering knowledge and insights on what I have done research on. I may be wrong on many occasions, but that is part of the process. My confidence stems from understanding this and believing in my capability to grow.
I hope that this post has been helpful. Lastly, I want to say that, your mindset is constructed and developed over the years, do not expect to adopt these different mindsets right away. Take a small step at a time, and I wish you success.
In the next post, we will delve more into the strategies and tips to bolster self-confidence.
If you haven’t read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck” by Mark Manson, make sure to get one. It will change your perspectives completely.
“Unleash your potentials and achieve financial freedom”
Pingback: Building Confidence: 5 Tips On How To Be More Confident
Pingback: how to stay positive in a negative environment